Want to see through the eyes of a child? Hand them your camera.

Matthew 18:1-5: “At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?  He called a child whom he put among them, and said, “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.  Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.  Whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.

I have never wanted to grow up.  You can ask my parents.  For some reason as a child I was always very content with my age and really didn’t want to be “grown up.”  In fact one of my more selfish reasons for becoming a teacher is so that I don’t have to grow up.  I can go back to elementary school every year for the rest of my life.  While that comes with a great deal of responsibility, it also comes with the freedom to be a child with my students every day.  This does not mean literally becoming childish and acting goofy all day long because we always have serious learning to do.  However, it does mean using silly voices to tell a story, making up handshakes, and laughing together because there is learning to be done in those things too.  It does mean embracing the silly moments because life isn’t all about school.  Children are almost always my greatest inspiration.  They inspire me with the way they have an ability to care about others with eyes not yet shaded by the judgments of the world, the way they are still determined to be “whatever they want to be” when they grow up, and the way they love while wearing their hearts on their sleeves.  They are some of my greatest teachers in life and I hope to be forever inspired by the lives and insights of children. 

Last week at Grace Center we had a “sports day” to take a break from the stress of the upcoming exams.  While there were many activities going on, I had no “official” responsibilities for the day. I grabbed my camera and what I anticipated as being a day of hanging out and being an event photographer sort of a deal turned into photography mini-lessons for my students.  As I was taking photos and showing the students the shots I had taken (they love checking out photos of themselves…who doesn’t?) I saw awe in their eyes of my big black massive camera.  I decided this was a learning opportunity.  I told them “hati-hati” (be careful in Bahasa Malaysia), placed the safety strap around their necks, switched my settings to auto, and showed them how to hold down the button.  I expected them to want to go take pictures of flowers or find some bugs, or take photos of the sports and games going on all around.  However, they took photos of what they care about most, their friends.  The results were beautiful.  I could not have taken better photos myself.  It gave me the chance to let them be “in charge” and with their new feelings of responsibility they were suddenly teaching me all sorts of new words and games.  I now have a student who gives me a quiz everyday.  She says, "teacher, tell me," and pulls on my shirt.  I respond with "saya baju hijau terang," (my shirt is bright green) and she gives a nodding approval.  The day was a great opportunity for me to be a “child” with my students.   This year my students are teaching me a lot about love and other things.  I’m sure there will be many more stories.  However for today, I leave you with what I have learned so far.  If you want to learn from a child, let yourself be one.  If you want to see through the eyes of a child, hand them your camera.  You might just see what love looks like. 

Below is a slideshow of a mere sampling of the photos from sports day.  Some of them are my photos and many of them were taken by my students.  You’ll never know the difference.  It will give you a glimpse of how awesome sports day was.

Teaching to Love

Hundreds of events, tragedies and blessings alike change our lives in the blink of an eye every single day.  Sometimes they go unnoticed until their result produces something of significance to our egocentric lives.  It is unfathomable to imagine how the events of the world in one single day impact every individual person.  However some events create change catastrophic enough to awake our human attention and sometimes those changes are really difficult.  Sometimes its inevitable and sometimes this change is chosen.

After hearing about YAGM from a friend at lunch I chose to apply.  After getting an invitation to the DIP event (where we interview) I chose to attend.  After receiving a call to go to Malaysia I chose to accept.   So many of my own decisions got me here.  I kept saying yes because I wanted to be challenged, I wanted to be pushed, and I wanted to be uncomfortable and yet, there are moments every day when this is still really hard.  Some of these moments are more difficult to cope with than others but the truth is, as beautiful as this experience is, it is not easy. 

I once had a professor who asked our class a simple question, "who likes change?"  Aside from her own hand mine was the only one that went up.  I don't remember why I raised my hand or why I thought I like change.  However, most of my life I haven't really minded change.  Often times I was able to see change as a gain, of course the times when change meant losing loved ones, friendships, or communities being the exceptions, but for the most part I welcomed and enjoyed change. In my YAGM experience so far the simultaneous relationship between gain and change has resulted in quite the emotional roller coaster.  I am gaining so much.  Everyday I am building relationships with my students, friendships with my co-workers, and am getting a lot better at adjusting.  I am learning about this culture and am learning about myself with every challenge.  However, I also feel some incredible loss.  Like the simple loss of knowing how to shop in the grocery store for things I know how to make, the difficult physical loss of my support system, and the greatest loss of knowing how to walk into a classroom and teach well.  I have had to let go of the certainty of knowing how to do daily things like grocery shop, ride the bus, and knowing directions home.  Learning how to rely on the help and grace of others in that has been very hard.  I have always been independent and while I love to give it, I am not always good at accepting help.  I have had to let go of the certainty that one of my close friends or family will happen to be on facebook in the middle of the night when I need them.  Learning how to put that trust in new places is something I am still trying to figure out.  I have had to let go of the certainty that I know what I am doing in a classroom.  I am learning to focus on remembering why I teach everyday instead of how to teach.  In remembering I teach to love, I have found more direction and clarity than any ESL resource or website.  When I remember I teach to love, a different classroom atmosphere than I am used to suddenly doesn't seem so scary.  When I remember I teach to love, suddenly despite the language barrier my students and I always have a way to communicate.  When I remember I teach to love, suddenly all things seem possible. 

Having faith is how I am learning to deal with change.   Dealing with change is like learning to float.  If you are tense in the slightest you will sink.  It's when you learn to relax and have faith that either you will indeed float or your teacher will catch you if you don't, that suddenly the water effortlessly lifts your body and you are floating.  It is an incredible freedom. 

I read a sermon from Nadia Bolz-Weber about how the mustard seed parable isn't necessarily about Jesus asking his disciples to increase their faith but rather affirming they already have the faith they need.  The sermon also discussed the idea that just because you are struggling doesn't mean you lack faith.  It mentioned the idea of lamentation and offered that, "being the people of God has always meant a whole lot of both praise and lament."  These messages could not have come at a better time for me.  It's not that I want permission to whine, I just want to be able to say this is really hard and not feel less faithful or less adequate.  In fact, I perhaps feel more faith in my lamentation because it's like saying, "I hate how hard this is but I believe all things are possible through you and your people."  It may be harder to have faith in times of loss and in times of change but it strengthens my faith every single day.  The coexistence of praise and lamentation seems to permeate every corner of my life as I feel how equally difficult and amazing this journey can be.    


Adjustment also feels like a strange line to walk because this is someone else's life which is not necessarily difficult for them in the same ways it is for me.  So why is it hard for me?  However, last week one of my teacher friends asked what my favorite food was and told me we would go to the market to buy ingredients and make it.  She explained that she knows the food adjustment must be hard because if she went to my country she would probably have a hard time too.  It was so beautiful for someone to recognize my struggle with such perspective.  I am absolutely humbled and amazed by God's people every day.  I have often felt in service the people I serve do more for me than I could ever do for them, but holy cow this year feels more like I am straight up getting served than able to serve anyone else.  I am clinging to the belief that watching CSI or the Voice with friends and laughing together, or helping decide what to do with little girl's hair for the Grace Center Festival (which is tomorrow!!! blog post with pictures to come), or high fiving as many hands as I can while walking through school is love and is therefore enough.  While I want to be better at teaching English in a foreign country,  I am quickly realizing it's just really not the most important reason I'm here.  I would say it's more likely I am here to love and be loved.  I would even venture to say there are even more reasons still awaiting my discovery.  Time will tell.  Day by day.  For now change will keep happening and I will praise and lament as my faith grows ever deeper.

 In the midst of preparation for Grace Center Festival keeping us all very busy, my class called "Love" had some fun drawing "raksasa" (monsters) and described them using adjectives!

Teacher Barbie Boleh (can)!

               The nickname I have been given by my students is "Teacher Barbie."  I hear on a regular basis things like, "Teacher, you look like Barbie, teacher."  At first I wasn't sure how to take this new nickname.  Though I had many Barbie dolls of my own growing up, as one gets older you tend to associate them with being too "girly" or with negative connotations thanks to her ridiculous body proportions.  Stubbornly not wanting anyone thinking I'm a wimp, I was at first a little horrified by the name.  However, I'm deciding I can definitely own my new nick name.  Barbie may be girly, which may be true of me as well, but she is also VERSATILE.  When I learned a song all in Malay my friend said, "Oooh, Barbie can sing in Malay!" and when I cooked for the first time here in Malaysia my friend said, "Oooh, Barbie can cook!"  Barbie can do so many things and so can I.  One thing this year is certainly going to be about is versatility.  Whether it's teaching English or helping save our plants from a torrential downpour (that happened while I was writing this post last night), Barbie boleh!  Boleh is probably my favorite Malay word because it means CAN and the word can is used so much more here than any other place I've experienced.  So my mantra for this year is Barbie boleh.  One example of my new mantra in action is in the video above.  With the help of my friend Nuria, who taught me the song and accompanied me, I performed in front of the entire school at chapel this week. 

Grace Center students at chapel

Below are photos of all of my housemates bailing our plants out of the rain.  It was quite an undertaking.

Say YES!

My country coordinator encouraged us to say "YES!" to every invitation, especially in our first months.  When I first heard this advice I thought, "ha, not a problem!"  Those of you who know me well know I have a much harder time saying no.  I can often rather delusionally believe I can take on anything and everything while not only maintaining my sanity but also doing it well.  However, when you have been plopped down in the middle of a new culture full of new people to meet and even given a new job, the physical and mental exhaustion can be overwhelming.  In moments when I would have usually jumped at the opportunity to join, I have found just a little part of myself wanting to say no.  It's a strange feeling.  While I certainly want to participate the exhausted part of me just wants rest.  However, another strange phenomena has occurred every time I have said yes against my body's wishes.  In the moments I have said yes, even though I did not go take a nap, I have found rest. 

This week during fellowship ( a time when all of the teachers come together to sing songs, study the bible, and pray) Tracy was our leader and she passed out bookmarks which read, "I will not be a workaholic" and had a verse from Psalms which goes "it's useless to rise early and go to bed late and work your worried fingers to the bone.  Don't you know he enjoys giving rest to those he loves?" (Psalm 127:2)  Workaholic....story of my life.  I am always over committing myself and am an insanely perfectionistic person.  It was a great reminder that I do need to be aware of my physical needs.  We discussed ants as imagery for the workaholic as they always seem busy.  This works nicely as a daily reminder for me because almost daily I have found one or two tiny little ants darting under the keys of my keyboard and out with a little crumb.  Apparently I had dinner while studying a few too many times during college.  However, the thing about ants is they are almost never alone.  They always seem to be working but they always seem to be working together.  This made me question the definition of rest.  Perhaps sometimes sleep is what we need and is exactly what God gives us.  However, perhaps sometimes he gives us invitations to participate in living life intentionally as rest.  Perhaps he gives us moments full of life and in community with people, which may energize us more than sleep could.  Our country coordinator also sent us a link to The Holstee Manifesto, an inspirational video about one company's empowering philosophy that, "Life is about the people that you meet and the things you create with them."  Our YAGM year is also very much about this philosophy.  Thus far in my own YAGM journey, it has been the moments created from spending time with my new friends, which has given me energy and in that energy rest. 

I said yes when Tracy, one of the teachers who picked me up to take me to Grace Center for the first time, invited me to go to McDonald's with her and some other women.  We ate fries and chicken burgers, food quite familiar to both of us, while getting to know each other across a lanugage barrier.  

I said yes when some new friends we met at church invited us to lunch and dinner and a movie later on and found another community of wonderful people to know during my time in KK.  They are all apart of the youth group which includes young adults and their energy and ability to fearlessly always be themselves reminds me so much of CLC's youth group.  

A few nights ago I was going to attempt to actually cook something for the first time in Malaysia and I was making spaghetti.  I got the noodles boiling before realizing I was going to need a can opener and I had no idea where to find one.  I asked my friends Bella and Sophia if they knew where one was and they helped me look for awhile before we all gave up.  However, they were not as ready to quit as I was and they began determinedly trying to tap a knife around the edge of the can.  Despite their heroic efforts it wasn't going well.  We asked Nuria (the music teacher) if she knew where one was and though she did not she proceeded to open the can effortlessly by placing the knife into the edge of the can and banging the can on the counter.  It was like magic.  After I finished making my spaghetti, I invited all of my helpers to take some.  Luckily I had made enough for four people, though I had intended to make enough for just myself.  Nuria then asked me to listen to the song she wrote, which was beautiful and she even taught me how to sing a song in Malay.  I felt so incredibly happy because it had been such a beautiful afternoon spent in my community.   

Later on that same night, Nuria had invited me to go to fellowship in Donggongon.  We walked under the stars by the light of the "torchlight" setting on my new handphone (old school cell phone) through hills of dirt and a jungley path into the community nearby.  We were welcomed into a family's home where the living room was cleared out and chairs were lined up all the way around the room.  People of all ages filled the room and we sang beautiful songs, heard the word of God (though it was in Malay, Nuria translated for me later on), and of course had snacks.  Milo (my favorite hot-chocolate like drink!) and some chocolate pastry sort of deserts.  It was a wonderful night of living among God's people.

I said yes when my Korean friends Bella and Sophia offered to share some fruit with me.  We ate mangosteen (queen of fruit in Malaysia) and another fruit I don't remember the name of.  The fruit was delicious and as I have been finding more and more food is a great way of breaking language barriers.  I have learned a lot more about Bella and Sophia thanks to sharing food or meals together.  I learned that Bella and Sophia are actually their English names, learned about their internship here at Grace Center, and learned about Korean food of course (all of which I have tried has been delicious).  

I said yes when I was working late in the office and my students asked me to play volleyball (bola tampar, directly translated being slap ball).  I not only gained some student buy-in but I also learned what sort of foods I should try.  Are you seeing a theme with food here?  They also explained that though they don't get picked up until 6:10 pm (school gets out at 4 pm), they don't get home until 10 pm and I got a glimpse into the lives of my students.  

These are the ordinary moments God has turned into rest for me.  These are what gets me through the week when I feel exhausted and tired of adjusting.  These are what my time here is about.  I am learning to create beautiful moments out of nothing but accepting invitations weather great or small.  Tonight I am invited to a birthday party.  I cannot wait to see what beautiful moments are in store.  

Diversity

My definition of diversity has developed into a term that means much more than difference in culture or skin color.  It is such a relative concept because even within a group seemingly very alike there is likely a vastness of diversity.  However, in talking about culture specifically, there is currently great diversity in my life.  I am a Scandinavian American living with people who are Korean, teaching with people who are Dusun, teaching students who are Indonesian, and attending church with people who are Chinese.  What a mix of culture.  We met some new friends at church today who explained that there is a colloquial language called “rojak” which is named after a traditional fruit and vegetable salad.  Sound familiar (i.e. melting pot, etc.)?  Rojak literally means mixture in Malay and the language rojak is just a mixture of many languages.  It seems pretty common for the people of Malaysia to know at least some of two or three languages.  When my new friends were describing rojak to me they said they might switch between languages quickly (like mid sentence) and sometimes combine languages in a single word.  They also told me I should get comfortable adding –bah,  -lah, or –kah (kah is more for questions) to the ends of sentences and words so I can sound more local.  Okaylah!  Now to learn how I fit into this awesome mixture of people as my definition of diversity is challenged and grows even further.  

World mural in the courtyard of Grace Center

Roll with It

            I have been at Grace Center for one week now.  I both live and work here so every morning I wake up to the beautiful sound of children playing.  This can be comforting because it reminds me they are right there waiting to learn and be loved while it can also be terrifying because it reminds me I am supposed to somehow teach them English while I continue to struggle to pick up Bahasa Malaysia (BM).  My first day of teaching was an interesting one.  I thought I might watch or observe one or two classes even after being introduced to all the different classes.  I may not have communicated this desire strongly enough because I walked into class expecting to watch and was given the class to teach.  I grabbed the eraser off of the whiteboard and decided to play a name game by tossing the eraser around the room.  This sounds great in theory, maybe even resourceful, however by the end of the day I had black smudges all over my face and neck.  Any place I had tried to wipe away sweat was now full of black smudges and at one point I managed to even draw on my cheek with the whiteboard marker.  I was literally a hot mess.  Thankfully with teaching seems to come the natural instinct to laugh at oneself and it gave me a good opportunity to laugh with my students.  I have mispronounced countless names and have had my students repeat them daily to the point where it seems painful.  However, Friday I was able to recite every students’ name in at least two of my classes!  Though another teacher told me one of my older classes said I am very serious (I’m ok with that for now J), I have sung silly songs, acted out words when language wasn’t cutting it, and have just been a goofball in general.  This week has been all about getting to know my students and allowing them to get to know me.  I’ve heard ahhs as I talk about how all the plants die in winter and snow covers the ground in Minnesota as well as gasps when I tell them about how long I sat in an airplane to get here.  As I attempt to figure out how to teach them English they have been helping me learn words in BM here and there.  It’s always fun when I whip out a new BM word I’ve learned.   Suddenly I see light bulbs going off all around the room because their crazy teacher finally makes sense.  Looking back on my week it was actually very fun but it is really truly so incredibly difficult.  Walking into class the first day with no idea what I was going to do was absolutely frightening.  While the odds seem to be stacked against me as I am jumping in almost at the end of their school year (their year starts in January and runs until November), I don’t know what they already know, I am inventing curriculum, I don’t have pre-made assessment tools, I don’t know their learning styles, and I have five classes ranging from approximately 3rd-9th grade (there is a mix of ages in each class), I am learning to just roll with it.  On my way to each class I literally say a little prayer that together my students and I will learn something.  I am trying to give myself grace in that if we do not learn complete sentences in this first week there are other important things to learn too.  That being said my students have also shown me incredible grace.  As I have butchered their names, struggled to communicate, and have given confusing directions, they always smile at me and ask how I am doing at the end of the day.  Side note…I have a student named Delia (the second Delia I have ever met in my entire life)…clearly this placement was meant to be.      

 

My oldest classes made "facebook pages" to tell me about themselves!

 

Aside from the teaching side of life I haven’t been perfect at adjusting to daily living either.  I’ve messed up my schedule, been nervous about trying new food, clearly struggled with the heat, and found myself at a loss for words when I didn’t have the language I needed to say something.  I just have to keep telling myself to roll with it and take baby steps.  In general I’ve considered myself to be a “go with the flow” sort of personality but suddenly “rolling with it” has taken on a whole new meaning.  Yet with all the adjustments I’m making, I have always felt loved and have truly enjoyed myself in the process.

Every week the teachers do fellowship together where we sing songs, discuss a bible passage, and pray together.  This week the bible story was the feeding of the 5,000, an impossible task made possible through the hands of God’s people.  It seemed all too relevant to my life right now.  My adjustment to a completely new culture has seemed impossible at times and yet it is made possible through the hands of God’s people.  There have been many beautiful moments of grace and understanding like my roommate’s mother bringing me dinner, another teacher asking the cook to make fried chicken for lunch after noticing my difficulty adjusting to a new diet, my students kindly redirecting me when I show up for class at the wrong time, and the companionship of all those around me despite language barriers.  I imagine the people present at the feeding of the 5,000 had to use what they had to “roll with it” and together they accomplished the seemingly impossible.  Here in my new community I imagine we too will accomplish miracles as we use what we have and come together to be both a school and a family.      

The road to Grace Center is lined with these wonderful flowers.  They are one of the first things I see every morning.

Address!

Survived my first week of teaching!  It was very fun getting to know my students and figuring out what I can teach them.  My new snail mail address is below if you want to write:
Locked Bag no. 13
Suite no. 88303
88890, Kota Kinabalu
Sabah, Malaysia
0109465408