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| On an island in Pitas, Sabah celebrating friendships and time together before I leave Malaysia (photo credit: teacher Nelson) |
I know it’s been awhile since I have posted but I figured a
birthday is as good a reason as ever to do some reflection.
I have never liked the idea of growing up and this year is no different. Turning 23 does not have quite the same ring to it as 22 (I
mean there’s no Taylor Swift song for it yet…so it can’t be cool). My students were asking my age today
and I was stumbling all over it.
There’s just something nice sounding about dua puluh dua…..dua puluh
tiga? What is that? I proceeded to tell my students I feel
old and they rebuked with “Kamu masih mudah Teacher!” (You’re still young Teacher!) and in all kinds of ways I am. However, I experienced so much growth this
past year! There are times when I even surprise myself with mature ideas or reactions. Perhaps this is part of being a twenty something...still being quite young and immature while simultaneously
experiencing exponential growth. I
read one of those blogs posted about a thirty something writing a letter to her
twenty year old self and one part in particular stuck out to me. I can’t quote it directly anymore but
the idea was that as a twenty something we should be embracing the unknown. Let me tell you a little something
about the unknown. It’s starting
to scare me a little less.
A year ago today I was sitting in a small café in Assissi,
Italy celebrating with friends and knowing I was headed to Malaysia in just a few
months. I had a location for the next year of my life but no idea what that
would mean. At that
point I probably would have still had a hard time locating Malaysia on a map
honestly. This year I spent the
day with friends and students in Malaysia and I have no idea where I’m going
next. There is just this big wall of misty gray ambiguity in my future staring back at me the same way a blank canvas just stares
at me when I begin a painting. Its
daunting pale white skin dares me to make a wrong move and expects insurmountable
perfection from its creator.
What’s the only way to overcome this fearsome obstacle? Put some paint on that canvas. When I finally make that ugly first
mark and the serenity of white perfection is broken, suddenly I feel like it must get better from there and can continue working.
About a week ago I interviewed for what I thought was my
dream job and could not believe the possibility of getting it in my first year
teaching in the states. Last night
I found out I did not get the job.
It was disappointing and a little heartbreaking but it did not crush me the
way disappointing things might have in the past.
I think this year has had enough unknowns and even disappointments that
somewhere in the misty gray ambiguity of unknowing I stumbled upon deeper meanings of my
values and a much deeper faith.
You could say there wasn’t a lot of constant in my life this year with moving to a new country,
having three country coordinators, hearing we would be the last country group
here for a while, having our program end early, and traveling all over in between. However, I have realized along the way
that even in the mist I have been walking alongside an incredible international support system
including family, friends, all kinds of people who are part of the YAGM or
global ELCA family, and sometimes even strangers.
With the help of this support system I have
seemingly stumbled out on the other side of the mist and am looking at the beautiful
creation that was this past year.
It wasn't all rainbows and sunshine nor was it all difficult and challenging. However, somewhere in the great deal of both sadness and happiness great beauty was made. I have found a place of "knowing" here and I am about to be leaving
it. Now that’s scary. All of that hard work stumbling around
in the gray and now I have to leave the safety of this little piece of knowing? At this point I really cannot think about it too hard. However, it is comforting knowing that amidst the gray unknown ahead there is something beautiful inside and a little piece of knowing waiting for me on the other side. I could have
never imagined all the beauty in store for me sitting in that café in Asssisi
last year. So I cannot imagine
that sitting here in Malaysia I will ever be able to conceive the beauty awaiting
me in this next year. Only time
and a lot more stumbling around in the unknown will tell.
Those ugly first marks on next year's canvas were made probably before I even realized I had made them. It’s time to start throwing
color at this messy beautiful yet to be created future that is mine. I wonder where I will be sitting this
time next year when I turn 24.
